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An Open Letter to A Lost Memory

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened had I chosen to fight for you the way you fought for me. There are moments, still, when I think of where we would have ended up if I never denied myself the satisfaction of acknowledging the fact that you did carry on in spite of what I made myself believe at the time. To be honest, the whole thing was merely a feeble attempt at convincing myself that the act of holding you responsible for everything was justifiable, that you really were the one to blame. For months, my mind was conditioned to swallow the idea that it was solely you who was at fault, until it was time for me to accept the truth. We were equally liable, both ends broken at parallel lengths. It wasn’t just you, because it was me, too.

I used to lay at night thinking of all the possibilities: could we have done all the things we wanted to despite the circumstances that surrounded us? Or would it have ended anyway, but with the closure we both deserved? It wasn’t easy trying to silence my mind when I never saw anything in just black and white. There were an endless number of what ifs constantly running through my head, the grays that surfaced in different intensities fitting perfectly between the extremities. It wasn’t just about us being one or the other anymore, because it was every single thing being pitted against each other and piling further and higher – creating an infinite set of scenarios that could have been but just weren’t. And now, years later, here I am … trying to make sense of everything.

You were fond of talking about ships at one point; we even had one of our own. But instead of sailing away smoothly, it all ended in a shipwreck before moving the slightest bit. And for that, I am sorry.

I’m sorry it took me this long to finally accept the fact that we were the type of star-crossed lovers that were just that. No grays, no in-betweens, no buts. Simply two people fated to be worlds apart and light years away from each other. No matter how hard we try to paint all that we have come to know with vividly saturated colors, there will still be that gaping hole in the very middle of the canvas – the darkness that will never seize to shadow our crossing paths.

An Open Letter to A Lost Memory
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened had I chosen to fight for you the way you fought for me. There are moments, still, when I think of where we would have ended up if I never denied myself the satisfaction of acknowledging the fact that you did carry on in spite of what I made myself believe at the time. To be honest, the whole thing was merely a feeble attempt at convincing myself that the act of holding you responsible for everything was justifiable, that you really were the one to blame. For months, my mind was conditioned to swallow the idea that it was solely you who was at fault, until it was time for me to accept the truth. We were equally liable, both ends broken at parallel lengths. It wasn’t just you, because it was me, too.
I used to lay at night thinking of all the possibilities: could we have done all the things we wanted to despite the circumstances that surrounded us? Or would it have ended anyway, but with the closure we both deserved? It wasn’t easy trying to silence my mind when I never saw anything in just black and white. There were an endless number of what ifs constantly running through my head, the grays that surfaced in different intensities fitting perfectly between the extremities. It wasn’t just about us being one or the other anymore, because it was every single thing being pitted against each other and piling further and higher – creating an infinite set of scenarios that could have been but just weren’t. And now, years later, here I am … trying to make sense of everything.
You were fond of talking about ships at one point; we even had one of our own. But instead of sailing away smoothly, it all ended in a shipwreck before moving the slightest bit. And for that, I am sorry.
I’m sorry it took me this long to finally accept the fact that we were the type of star-crossed lovers that were just that. No grays, no in-betweens, no buts. Simply two people fated to be worlds apart and light years away from each other. No matter how hard we try to paint all that we have come to know with vividly saturated colors, there will still be that gaping hole in the very middle of the canvas – the darkness that will never seize to shadow our crossing paths.

An Open Letter to A Lost Memory

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened had I chosen to fight for you the way you fought for me. There are moments, still, when I think of where we would have ended up if I never denied myself the satisfaction of acknowledging the fact that you did carry on in spite of what I made myself believe at the time. To be honest, the whole thing was merely a feeble attempt at convincing myself that the act of holding you responsible for everything was justifiable, that you really were the one to blame. For months, my mind was conditioned to swallow the idea that it was solely you who was at fault, until it was time for me to accept the truth. We were equally liable, both ends broken at parallel lengths. It wasn’t just you, because it was me, too.

I used to lay at night thinking of all the possibilities: could we have done all the things we wanted to despite the circumstances that surrounded us? Or would it have ended anyway, but with the closure we both deserved? It wasn’t easy trying to silence my mind when I never saw anything in just black and white. There were an endless number of what ifs constantly running through my head, the grays that surfaced in different intensities fitting perfectly between the extremities. It wasn’t just about us being one or the other anymore, because it was every single thing being pitted against each other and piling further and higher – creating an infinite set of scenarios that could have been but just weren’t. And now, years later, here I am … trying to make sense of everything.

You were fond of talking about ships at one point; we even had one of our own. But instead of sailing away smoothly, it all ended in a shipwreck before moving the slightest bit. And for that, I am sorry.

I’m sorry it took me this long to finally accept the fact that we were the type of star-crossed lovers that were just that. No grays, no in-betweens, no buts. Simply two people fated to be worlds apart and light years away from each other. No matter how hard we try to paint all that we have come to know with vividly saturated colors, there will still be that gaping hole in the very middle of the canvas – the darkness that will never seize to shadow our crossing paths.

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  17. dreaming-my-dreams reblogged this from telescopical and added:
    This hits pretty fucking close to home..
  18. bittersweet-e-s-c-a-p-e-s reblogged this from telescopical and added:
    this is beautiful
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